and THIS is the moment i crack. if only someone can put themselves in my shoes and feel what i feel. and no, i didnt say that so you pity me, but only so you can understand how i feel right now... to make me do this, say this, act this way, and to know how i seriously feel about everything. i dont give a shit if this blog makes sense to anyone because i just need to write to myself.. in any fucking way i want to.. to help me vent. this blog may be pretty raw, so sorry in advanced if you find this offensive in any way.
... it's as if everything that has been said, meant nothing.. some just lies...
- i feel like the older i get, the less and less i trust people. the way i feel is, instead of "breaking out of my shell" .. im going back in it... gear's in reverse. but maybe that was my mistake... getting too close to people too fast.. having that bond... THINKING you can trust them.. letting your guard down... being too nice. the way i always SAW it was that i can trust you until you do something to break it.. now its more like i can't trust you until you can honestly prove me wrong. im not the only one who has been through this kinda shit.. but i decided to put this shit public so maybe, just maybe, you can understand a lil bit better WHY i am the way i am now. no questions asked, ill tell you right here. so ive come to a conclusion that i am now afraid to get close to people, yeah im scared. because really, you can't trust anyone, come on people... FACE IT.. you honestly CAN'T 100% believe what EVERYONE says! we can SAY we trust people, but thats just to a certain extent, am i right? i've made the mistake in labeling people as my "best friend"... there i go again.. trusting people too much from the get-go, but damn did they fool me because i never would have thought they could do something like that. i take pride in all my friendships... but how many "best friends" have fucked our friendship over? how many "best friends" have i lost??! im not saying im never at fault, FUCK ive done some shit and i aint afraid to own up to it. i went through that shit, was stupid, but ive learned not to make that mistake again. but majority of these were just so outta line it fucked with my head. fucked with how i feel about people.. how i see people.
but to those best friends / friends who are still by my side and kept their word, i respect and love you no doubt.
- just like everyone else, i get mad at certain things. and ive learned that yes, it is possible for someone to get mad at.. well.. anything.. you can't determine what you THINK will or will not make someone mad. and of course you're not going to understand why on earth that reason would piss em off.. but that's how they are.. that is how their mind works and you cant do a damn thing about it. ive been trying to figure out how peoples minds work, how they feel, how they would react... or just the things they can come up with... anyways.. everyone got their own problems, got their own things they can pin point that may piss them off... but you just gotta accept them, because that is who they are.. and you have no right to judge them because obviously you havent gone through what THEY have gone through.. or even know how they feel. the least someone can do is.. NOT be so close-minded. think for once, and think how it would be in their shoes.. forget about what you feel, or what anyone feels.. think as if you were THEM.
- this has been brought to my attention more than once.. occured more than once so i feel that if you didn't get it then, well get it now... ok so we're all human right? so we have feelings, yes? its natural. that's it. you can't help what you naturally feel. so if for some reason i feel the slightest bit that i may not be the nicest kid on the block to you.. i just wont talk to you. and i have my reasons. reasons which i get over in due time. BUT the only problem with THAT is nobody ever believes me when i say that and never gave me the chance. i asked for time, but nobody gave it to me. basically what im trying to say. if i dont like you at the moment i aint gona talk to you. because if i do talk to you, its not going to be nice. why? because im not gona put up a front and fake like i wana be nice to you, knowing that im not.. fucked up? maybe? but i dont want to be fake thats all, thats how i am. but if you let it be, and just let time go by.. ill get over it and make ends meet on my own. ill make complete effort. because you can't be sincere and truly genuine if you are not 1000000% sure deep down inside that you are ok about it. i do what i can to make friendships work.. but trust me i'll come around to it if you just gave me the damn time. time i need for myself. otherwise if you force shit and knowingly do that to me.. that's what you're faced with, me acting like i don't wana talk to you, and yeah, i apologize for that but what can you do? you can't change who you are... fuck. im telling you. dont force shit! respect other peoples thoughts on that, if you really want things to be right. give me my time.
- i fucking HATE calling people or whatever telling them, whining, bitching about problems now. i did too much of that in the past and finally got smart and realized how annoying it is (sorry). so i barely say what i feel and have no choice but to keep it to myself... write about it, all while controling my feelings to act normal... so i guess this is what happens when you keep shit bottled up right? you just explode.
- if you're going to say something... the SAME thing.. over and over and over... then fucking SHUT UP AND DO IT! my god! it gets old and annoying after a while.. because then it's all just bullshit to me. ie) 1. if you don't like something.. get rid of it, stop whatever it is, leave it alone.. why do you go back if you know what you're faced with?! you say this, but do that.. over and over and over... 2. don't remind everyone what you're gona do/get if you havent done shit to get there/it.
- life is not fair. nobody ever said it was. helll no. everyones gona go thru some fucked up and hard times, but some manage to get through it all. i, on the other hand, don't know how to deal with it at times. because sometimes the right things you gotta do... isn't exactly what you're all about. i was never the one to believe that i should completely, and i mean completely, erase someone from my life for anything.. but now, i felt like it had to be the best choice, for your life.. if me being in your life causes any kind of problems, then i would rather not be a part of that..
so im sorry that if i had to cut everything off, you should understand why, and things will be a lot more peaceful. still you're friend and i have nothing against you but you should know why this was the best thing to do.
- i respect someone who speaks their minds, who tells the TRUTH. honestly if you're asking what i want.. from ANYONE, is for them to tell me the truth, even if you think it will hurt. be straight up with your thoughts, feelings, everything. mad at me? don't like me? well tell me straight up, tell me why, what i did wrong. the way i fix things is if you were to tell me wsup, then we can work on it. dont beat around the bush.
- speaking down to me or telling me negative shit is NOT the right way to motivate me. are you KIDDING?! threats, being physical and all that other shit doesn't scare me anymore. i got nothing to lose.
- there is sooooooooo much more i want to say, i need to say.. but im drawing a blank. only cause ive been writing so long and ive began to cool off. but i still intend to let everything out regardless if im calm or not. i cracked, i reached my breaking point, for now im emotionally destroyed. but ill get it together. but as for me as a person... i feel like im starting over. my view on the world... and if i "say" i feel like im starting over.. well i think it would be necessary getting everything out so i can start fresh, right? so here's my first attempt.
... it's as if everything that has been said, meant nothing.. some just lies...
"i just hate how im at the point in my life, again.. questioning if i can trust people i thought i could for sure this time.."it just kinda sucks that you even have to think what to believe anymore....
- i feel like the older i get, the less and less i trust people. the way i feel is, instead of "breaking out of my shell" .. im going back in it... gear's in reverse. but maybe that was my mistake... getting too close to people too fast.. having that bond... THINKING you can trust them.. letting your guard down... being too nice. the way i always SAW it was that i can trust you until you do something to break it.. now its more like i can't trust you until you can honestly prove me wrong. im not the only one who has been through this kinda shit.. but i decided to put this shit public so maybe, just maybe, you can understand a lil bit better WHY i am the way i am now. no questions asked, ill tell you right here. so ive come to a conclusion that i am now afraid to get close to people, yeah im scared. because really, you can't trust anyone, come on people... FACE IT.. you honestly CAN'T 100% believe what EVERYONE says! we can SAY we trust people, but thats just to a certain extent, am i right? i've made the mistake in labeling people as my "best friend"... there i go again.. trusting people too much from the get-go, but damn did they fool me because i never would have thought they could do something like that. i take pride in all my friendships... but how many "best friends" have fucked our friendship over? how many "best friends" have i lost??! im not saying im never at fault, FUCK ive done some shit and i aint afraid to own up to it. i went through that shit, was stupid, but ive learned not to make that mistake again. but majority of these were just so outta line it fucked with my head. fucked with how i feel about people.. how i see people.
but to those best friends / friends who are still by my side and kept their word, i respect and love you no doubt.
"fuck you for bailing out. really. i stuck by you for YEARS. and you did the same for me. through all that BULLLLLLLLLSHIT. serious. we were blood. but damn you fucking fooled me. oh BOY did you fool me. for what? i will never know why. actually i dont get it.. i dont get you.. i never got you.. i dont think anyone has or will. you would think that i had more to say to you but i really cant think of anything. my mind just goes blank. i just can't get why..."
"wow, you knew... you knew EVERYTHING. you knew how i felt. we would talk about it... but then at the same time you were goin behind my back... and you were my best friend. that, i can say.. would be my first and last experience being friends with someone like you."
- just like everyone else, i get mad at certain things. and ive learned that yes, it is possible for someone to get mad at.. well.. anything.. you can't determine what you THINK will or will not make someone mad. and of course you're not going to understand why on earth that reason would piss em off.. but that's how they are.. that is how their mind works and you cant do a damn thing about it. ive been trying to figure out how peoples minds work, how they feel, how they would react... or just the things they can come up with... anyways.. everyone got their own problems, got their own things they can pin point that may piss them off... but you just gotta accept them, because that is who they are.. and you have no right to judge them because obviously you havent gone through what THEY have gone through.. or even know how they feel. the least someone can do is.. NOT be so close-minded. think for once, and think how it would be in their shoes.. forget about what you feel, or what anyone feels.. think as if you were THEM.
- this has been brought to my attention more than once.. occured more than once so i feel that if you didn't get it then, well get it now... ok so we're all human right? so we have feelings, yes? its natural. that's it. you can't help what you naturally feel. so if for some reason i feel the slightest bit that i may not be the nicest kid on the block to you.. i just wont talk to you. and i have my reasons. reasons which i get over in due time. BUT the only problem with THAT is nobody ever believes me when i say that and never gave me the chance. i asked for time, but nobody gave it to me. basically what im trying to say. if i dont like you at the moment i aint gona talk to you. because if i do talk to you, its not going to be nice. why? because im not gona put up a front and fake like i wana be nice to you, knowing that im not.. fucked up? maybe? but i dont want to be fake thats all, thats how i am. but if you let it be, and just let time go by.. ill get over it and make ends meet on my own. ill make complete effort. because you can't be sincere and truly genuine if you are not 1000000% sure deep down inside that you are ok about it. i do what i can to make friendships work.. but trust me i'll come around to it if you just gave me the damn time. time i need for myself. otherwise if you force shit and knowingly do that to me.. that's what you're faced with, me acting like i don't wana talk to you, and yeah, i apologize for that but what can you do? you can't change who you are... fuck. im telling you. dont force shit! respect other peoples thoughts on that, if you really want things to be right. give me my time.
- i fucking HATE calling people or whatever telling them, whining, bitching about problems now. i did too much of that in the past and finally got smart and realized how annoying it is (sorry). so i barely say what i feel and have no choice but to keep it to myself... write about it, all while controling my feelings to act normal... so i guess this is what happens when you keep shit bottled up right? you just explode.
" thanks, thanks to you all.. the greatest year of my life was ruined. not only that, but that is exactly where my LIFE turned around. over some DUMB - ASS - SHIT i can not even imagine. like REALLY?!? you put me through fucking HELL.. i couldn't even show my face. i couldn't go ANYWHERE without feeling alone... or uncomfortable. people i called friends, well i was too scared to even talk to them anymore.. thinking everyone's against me.. because of you dumbasses. "
" i want to tell you everything. i wish i could be so open, but you don't allow me to. if only you can be open-minded about everything and realize that everyone can make their own decisions. come on, im smart enough. im gona be like this either way. its up to you if you're going to accept me and support me with whatever decisions i make. i want you to get along with everyone. you dont understand how much it bothers me that i can't find it in my heart to become close. and i think the real reason why is because im scared. scared to get too attached to someone, anyone.. because when i care, i care too much.. and when i hurt.. its the end of the world. and i can't go through that. i love you so much. and im sorry it doesnt show. but i do. i really do. i want you to know that. i want you to BELIEVE that. there's no such thing as a perfect story. "
- if you're going to say something... the SAME thing.. over and over and over... then fucking SHUT UP AND DO IT! my god! it gets old and annoying after a while.. because then it's all just bullshit to me. ie) 1. if you don't like something.. get rid of it, stop whatever it is, leave it alone.. why do you go back if you know what you're faced with?! you say this, but do that.. over and over and over... 2. don't remind everyone what you're gona do/get if you havent done shit to get there/it.
- life is not fair. nobody ever said it was. helll no. everyones gona go thru some fucked up and hard times, but some manage to get through it all. i, on the other hand, don't know how to deal with it at times. because sometimes the right things you gotta do... isn't exactly what you're all about. i was never the one to believe that i should completely, and i mean completely, erase someone from my life for anything.. but now, i felt like it had to be the best choice, for your life.. if me being in your life causes any kind of problems, then i would rather not be a part of that..
so im sorry that if i had to cut everything off, you should understand why, and things will be a lot more peaceful. still you're friend and i have nothing against you but you should know why this was the best thing to do.
- i respect someone who speaks their minds, who tells the TRUTH. honestly if you're asking what i want.. from ANYONE, is for them to tell me the truth, even if you think it will hurt. be straight up with your thoughts, feelings, everything. mad at me? don't like me? well tell me straight up, tell me why, what i did wrong. the way i fix things is if you were to tell me wsup, then we can work on it. dont beat around the bush.
" i still saw something in you, actually.. i still do.. there's just something you're not telling me, how you feel. you know i was always one to listen, but that's all you used me for. i try and try. we both made mistakes but yet i still try to make things work, but for what? who knows. "
- speaking down to me or telling me negative shit is NOT the right way to motivate me. are you KIDDING?! threats, being physical and all that other shit doesn't scare me anymore. i got nothing to lose.
- there is sooooooooo much more i want to say, i need to say.. but im drawing a blank. only cause ive been writing so long and ive began to cool off. but i still intend to let everything out regardless if im calm or not. i cracked, i reached my breaking point, for now im emotionally destroyed. but ill get it together. but as for me as a person... i feel like im starting over. my view on the world... and if i "say" i feel like im starting over.. well i think it would be necessary getting everything out so i can start fresh, right? so here's my first attempt.
more to come.
